I am looking for my son who i gave up for adoption 26 years ago. There are no words to describe the torture I went through after that. I hated myself so much, I can't begin to tell how many times I wanted to end my life. I was on a path from that day on filled with pure hate. Today is his birth day, I don't know if I am a grandma. I do not know if he is alive or dead. To this very day, people ask me do I have kids, I have been saying no from the first day, and every no I said made me hate myself a little bit more. How do you tell another mother that yes I had a son but I gave him away? When I see young men I wonder if he is my son. It is the not knowing that is still killing me. The whole in my heart can hold 100 baseball fields, the shame I have is unbearable. I will never forgive myself, for taking the easy why out. I didn't even try I just did what my mother told me to do so she would love me again because I disappointed her by getting pregnant. I am hoping to find a way to find him for health reasons. I just want to explain to him why I did what I did. Even if he doesn't want to see me any more after that. I just have to let him know before it is too late.