DMC,
Hey my name is Noelle , I am 23 years old and I was adopted in the Bronx. My parents have always told me that I was adopted since I can remember, they never kept any secrets about it and it never bothered me until i was about 16 years old. When I was 16 I started getting horribly depressed about being adopted, I began thinking that I was a mistake and that I should just not have been born because my birthmother must have not loved me to even keep me. I went through and kept this depression to myself until a month before my 18th birthday I finally told my mom (which was the hardest thing I ever had to do) what I had been putting myself through and that I wanted to meet my birthmom. She wasn't mad or upset at all because she said that they always new that I may want to try to find her in the future and that they still loved me. My mom called my grandma who lives on Long Island and asked her if she would help us find her. She gladly accepted, and found her a week later, got ahold of her and told her that I wanted to meet her. A week before my 18th birthday my mom and I drove up to the Bronx during the subway series and we met her at a beautiful Catholic church. She approached me with a dozen red and white roses and started to cry. I did not cry because I had so many emotions at this point that I did not know how to react. We all sat outside of the church, my mom and birthmom did most the talking because I didn't know what to say.
I did learn that when she had me, she already had children and that she was in her early 40's (when I met her she was in her early 60's). She was having an affair with a married man (my father) and she got pregnant with me. My father didn't want anything to do with me because he already had a family and my mother was too ashamed of the situation that she never told her children. With that in mind, she somehow kept the whole pregnancy to herself and on October 31, 1982, she gave birth to me all by herself on her living room couch (thats a strong woman). She got up (probably smoked a cigarette) and took me to the hopital, she stayed there for awhile to feed me and then let the adoption agency take care of me. I was put with a surrogate mother who named me Mary until I was adopted.
Now my parents were told they couldn't have kids so they signed up to an adoption agency and were told it would take months to get a child, until I was born. I was lucky enough to be adopted and brought home a week before Christmas 1982. My parents and my life now are wonderful, I could never have asked for more, I am the luckiest girl alive.
At the end of the visit with my birthmother, she told me that she has always loved me and that she always thinks about me but at that time in her life she just couldn't have taken care of me and she wanted me to have a better life. She told me that she would call me on my birthday a week later.... I am still waiting for that call. So now, 6 years later, even though I got to meet her, I still get very depressed (espcially around my birthday) and always think of what might have changed and what kind of relationship I could have had with her if she had called me. I also always wonder about my brothers and sisters who still don't know about me, but whom I would love to meet someday. I would never want to cause any harm to them or any of their families or cause anymosity between them and our mother. I did have a strong urge this past summer 2005 of trying to find her again because my biggest fear is if I never talk to her again or see her again, and if something ever happened to her, or she passed away I would be devestated, my heart would break.
So DMC, What do you think I should do? Since I am still getting depressed about not hearing from my mother, and wanting to get to know her more, should I try one last time to find her and start all over? or just let it be? I don't know what to do, because I don't want to be selfish when I know I am not the only one affected by this situation. I just wish that I had said more to her when I met her instead of being so shy.
Thank you so much for writing "Just like Me" and putting the video out. It has touched me so deeply and let me tell you my story. I would be honored if you put my adoption story on your website and hopefully you will be able to get back to me sometime in the future!! Take care and God Bless You!!
With Love,
Noelle
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